Week Twenty Four: "I get into trouble..."

THE FORMATIVE YEARS

SETTING — Bedroom.

CHARACTERS — FATHER and MOTHER. Young parents-to-be.

AT RISE — FATHER and MOTHER are in bed, their hands on MOTHER’s very pregnant belly.

FATHER: So, Harvard, definitely. 

MOTHER: Oh, without question.

FATHER: We need to figure out his extracurriculars now.

MOTHER: Or her extracurriculars.

FATHER: You’re right. Okay, one thing at a time. Let’s parse this step by step, otherwise we’re going to get overwhelmed. 

MOTHER: Good plan.

FATHER: Harvard has a preschool program; that could be an excellent “in.” 

MOTHER: She... or he... could make connections there.

FATHER: Exactly. Valuable connections. And so early on.

MOTHER: And then we can’t slouch. Elementary, middle, and high school all need to be just as good.

FATHER: Or better.

MOTHER: This is going to cost a lot of money.

FATHER: We’re going to need better jobs.

MOTHER: The best jobs.

FATHER: But you’ll be staying home for the first year, naturally.

MOTHER: Absolutely not. 

FATHER: Are you kidding me? There is so much research about the effects of breast milk on cognitive ability.

MOTHER: Pump and dump, baby.

FATHER: Disgusting. What about early development? The first five years are so key.

MOTHER: True. We can’t afford a single misstep. We’ll hire the best nanny.

FATHER: We’ll vet her very carefully.

MOTHER: Full background check.

FATHER: Background, health, pedigree, ancestry... We can’t afford to take any risks with that one. One small inconsistency...

MOTHER: The trauma will multiply and echo forward for years.

FATHER: Generations.

MOTHER: What do you think about early therapy? Just as a preventative measure? 

FATHER: I think we’re idiots for not thinking of that much sooner. That way...

MOTHER: Insurance policy in case there’s anything we missed. Exactly.

FATHER: And we’ll have to vet him or her just as carefully.

MOTHER: More carefully. Our failsafe must be foolproof.

FATHER: Yeah. Oh god. This is terrifying. What if there’s something we can’t plan for? 

MOTHER: Stop that right now. If we’re careful, and execute this exactly according to plan, that will never happen.

FATHER: Okay. Okay. So discipline.

MOTHER: We can’t be too harsh. She or he will grow up needing to seek permission everywhere.

FATHER: But we can’t be too lax either. No one likes an undisciplined child.

MOTHER: Undisciplined or entitled. But where is the line?

FATHER: We need to do much more reading on this.

MOTHER: Consult the experts.

FATHER: All of them.

MOTHER: And we’ll need to establish a trust fund.

FATHER: But not tell him or her that there is one.

MOTHER: Until she or he has learned to thrive without privilege.

FATHER: But won’t he or she realize that they are different?

MOTHER: Not if we screen all of their friends.

FATHER: Yes. No artists.

MOTHER: Absolutely no artists. Not one.

FATHER: Which means screening the parents first.

MOTHER: Oh god. Yes. 

FATHER: All these people who will influence our child... This private investigator has to be the absolute best.

MOTHER: But how will we screen the private investigator?

FATHER: Oh. Shit.

MOTHER: Shit.

Long beat. MOTHER removes the pillow from underneath her shirt.

MOTHER (cont.): We’re not ready yet.

FATHER: We are absolutely not ready.

MOTHER: But someday. 

FATHER: Eventually. After we’ve isolated all the variables.

MOTHER: Yes. Once we’ve done that.

FATHER: Then it will be perfect.

MOTHER: I’m really looking forward to that.

FATHER (smiles): Me too.

They kiss. Turn out lights.

END OF PLAY