Week Seven: "...and today, I am going to kill him."

THE INTERVIEW

SETTING—A table and two chairs.

CHARACTERS—INTERVIEWER, male or female, dressed business casual. INTERVIEWEE, male or female, business formal.

INTERVIEWER: …well great! Let’s get down to it then. Did you bring a copy of your résumé?

INTERVIEWEE: Absolutely. (opens portfolio) I brought a few, actually.

INTERVIEWER: Geez, kiddo! Papering the town with these? Can’t all be for me.

INTERVIEWEE: Just like to be prepared. Here you go.

INTERVIEWER: Thanks. Actually, let’s see the whole stack.

INTERVIEWEE: Oh—sure.

INTERVIEWER: Great. Great. Looks like… 100% cotton fiber… eggshell white… ooh, and a watermark!

INTERVIEWEE: Ha ha, yeah, I guess. You probably see a lot of these, huh?

INTERVIEWER: $12.99 for 100 of these at Staples. Some come in here with the linen ones. Those’ll run you at least $17.99.

INTERVIEWEE: Oh.

INTERVIEWER: (tears the stack thoroughly) None of that stuff impresses me. Actions speak louder to me than pretty words on fancy paper.

INTERVIEWEE: Oh!

INTERVIEWER: Let’s start with your last job.

INTERVIEWEE: Well, sure—I was an editorial assistant at a prominent publishing house in—

INTERVIEWER: They fire you or you quit?

INTERVIEWEE: I was laid off, along with a number of highly qualified people.

INTERVIEWER: Uh huh. They fire everyone in your department?

INTERVIEWEE: No, but many of us were laid off.

INTERVIEWER: But they didn’t fire everyone, so what do you suppose made them pick you?

INTERVIEWEE: Well, I don’t—

INTERVIEWER: Just spitballing.

INTERVIEWEE: …I guess that mine was a support role, so while it was important it wasn’t… essential.

INTERVIEWER: If I hire you you would be my assistant, supporting me in my day-to-day, and I do, in fact, consider that to be an essential service.

INTERVIEWEE: I’m glad to hear that, of course.

INTERVIEWER: Of course! Of course… (paging through documents) Ah, here you are. Printed your résumé from the email you sent. Paper’s just standard printer stock… hope that’s okay.

INTERVIEWEE: Ha ha.

INTERVIEWER: What is that?

INTERVIEWEE: …What?

INTERVIEWER: Why were you laughing at me?

INTERVIEWEE: Oh! No. I meant… It was supposed to be laughing with you.

INTERVIEWER: But I wasn’t laughing.

INTERVIEWEE: It… I’m sorry. I laugh in agreement sometimes.

INTERVIEWER: Well stop that. It’s weird, and you’re too qualified to undermine yourself like that.

INTERVIEWEE: Sure. Thank you. And sorry. Again.

INTERVIEWER: It’s okay! Geez, you need to lighten up a bit, huh? I’m not so scary. (back to the résumé) Not so scary at all…! Alright, editorial assistant… They fired your overqualified ass because they couldn’t balance the books… blah blah blah. Hmm. Hmmmmm.

(long, awkward beat)

Well, I guess I’m just not hearing a lot that’s positive about this place. Was there anything about it that you enjoyed even a little?

INTERVIEWEE: Of course! I was actually going to say—

INTERVIEWER: Because part of being an adult, and a professional—… sorry, I interrupted.

INTERVIEWEE: …That’s okay. I did very much enjoy learning about the publishing process, and through my work there I discovered a real passion for shepherding a project from manuscript to book.

INTERVIEWER: You’re very formal, aren’t you? Very organized. Exact.

INTERVIEWEE: For interviews, of course. But I’m not always—

INTERVIEWER: Oh, I didn’t mean it as a put down! Just an observation. It’s just interesting. Who actually talks like that? I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone use “shepherd” as a verb. It’s a very formal way of speaking, am I right?

INTERVIEWEE: Well—

INTERVIEWER: Don’t laugh!

INTERVIEWEE: I wasn’t going to.

INTERVIEWER: I’m joking! You’re still so tense. Look, I’m a very informal boss; that’s just something you should know about me right off the bat. I’ve got a lot on my plate. Probably too much—if I couldn’t find some way to laugh through it I bet I’d fucking snap. That’s maybe a useful lesson for you, too. Learn to laugh—might even save your job next time.

(beat)

Not all at once, now.

INTERVIEWEE: (uncomfortable) Ha ha…

INTERVIEWER: Well it’s a start. We’ll get there, kiddo. So, what did you do before you worked for these pricks?

INTERVIEWEE: I had several internships, actually, the most recent being—

INTERVIEWER: —failure.

INTERVIEWEE: —...sorry?

INTERVIEWER: Hm? Nothing. What was the internship?

INTERVIEWEE: …Um, well, a lot of filing, making copies, but I learned several valuable skills, (begin overlap) the first of which being—

INTERVIEWER: Weak failure. You make me sick.

(long silence)

That’s what you hear inside your head all day long, don’t you? This negative soundtrack.

INTERVIEWEE: How many people do you employ?

INTERVIEWER: Presently just myself, but we’re looking to double our workforce by the end of the week.

INTERVIEWEE: And the offices…

INTERVIEWER: It’s a home office, of course. You wouldn’t believe the tax writeoffs.

INTERVIEWEE: Must be challenging, trying to put in a full day with your family coming in and out…?

INTERVIEWER: Not at all! They’re gone.

INTERVIEWEE: Like, on vacation?

INTERVIEWER: Nah.

(long beat)

INTERVIEWEE: I think I’d better go.

INTERVIEWER: Someone’s a bit overconfident! You don’t have the job just yet…

INTERVIEWEE: (gathering things) Just the same… Thank you for having me in. Just… wow. Thanks for the opportunity.

INTERVIEWER: Oh geezus kiddo, relax! You were so… ha ha ha! (INTERVIEWEE has paused, midflight) I just wanted to see how you work under pressure.

INTERVIEWEE: (sitting back down, disbelieving) Under…?

INTERVIEWER: (singing) “…pressure! Dun dun dun ba-da dun dun. Dun dun dun ba-da dun dun. Under pressure…!”

INTERVIEWEE: I guess I’m a little confused.

INTERVIEWER: David Bowie? Before your time, huh?

INTERVIEWEE: What kind of sick shit is this?

INTERVIEWER: Apology accepted. Look—it’s going to be just you and me against the world here. I got deadlines for my deadlines and not a lot of time to be professional about it. If you can’t handle that kind of pressure…

INTERVIEWEE: How many assistants have you gone through in the past year?

INTERVIEWER: God. Half a dozen?

INTERVIEWEE: No kidding. They all quit?

INTERVIEWER: No. A couple I fired.

INTERVIEWEE: Yeah. Look, thanks for making the time for me but I’m not sure that this is the right opportunity for me at this particular—

INTERVIEWER: You are taking this so personally! It boggles the mind.

INTERVIEWEE: It’s very obvious that you’re looking for a punching bag or a babysitter, I’m not sure which, and—

INTERVIEWER: Neither, in fact. Congratulations, kiddo: you passed!

INTERVIEWEE: Fuck you.

INTERVIEWER: That’s new slang for “get out of town,” right? You got the job!

INTERVIEWEE: I don’t want the job.

INTERVIEWER: Of course you do; why else would you be wasting my time?

INTERVIEWEE: I wanted the job. I don’t want to work for you.

INTERVIEWER: Isn’t that a sticky wicket! Welcome to the real world, kiddo. Sometimes we have to work for total assholes.

INTERVIEWEE: I don’t! Not this week, anyway. Thank you for—just… forget it—

INTERVIEWER: Hold up, come on! Look—it’s a decent job. You get a front-row seat to the inner workings of every aspect of a successful independent publishing house. You’ve done your research and you know we’re one of the great success stories after just three years. You’d get to add that to… (grabs remnants of the fancy résumé) this.

INTERVIEWEE: But I’d have to work for you.

INTERVIEWER: I’ll match what you were making at Redundancy, Inc.

INTERVIEWEE: Benefits?

INTERVIEWER: No benefits, but—

INTERVIEWEE: Then you’re not really matching, are you?

INTERVIEWER: —lots of flexibility. As long as you put in the hours, you can come in when you want, leave when you want.

INTERVIEWEE: Work remotely?

INTERVIEWER: After hours, sure. Is this starting to sound like a job you could stomach?

INTERVIEWEE: I don’t know.

INTERVIEWER: Yes you do. You’re a single parent now, and the sole provider for your two small children. (beat) I also did my research—your Facebook profile is quite public, you know. And I really liked the old profile pic a lot better—your new one is… It’s okay. It’s just not as flattering.

INTERVIEWEE: Well. Isn’t that fun.

INTERVIEWER: In the future I am going to need you to be more cognizant of the little details—we’re a small business, and I can’t afford to project an image of sloppiness, kiddo.

INTERVIEWEE: Okay, first of all, you know that I’m a parent—

INTERVIEWER: —young parent—

INTERVIEWEE: —you don’t get to call me “kiddo.” Second, it’s going to be my former salary plus ten thousand to make up for the health, dental, and retirement.

INTERVIEWER: Fine, but you’re not getting paid time off.

INTERVIEWEE: In fact, I’m going to be getting ten days each of sick and vacation. To start.

INTERVIEWER: Is that a fact!

INTERVIEWEE: You need me and you know I can do the work. Maybe even better than the dozen others you drove away.

INTERVIEWER: Oh yeah? And why is that.

INTERVIEWEE: Because I’m not afraid of you. I respect your company enormously but I will not put up with your shit. Maybe you got complacent when the economy hit the fan and suddenly you were flooded with overqualified assistants, all of them eager to the point of self-abuse, but I don’t think that’s helped you any. Quality still matters, maybe now more than ever. You need me, and you know I can do the work.

(long beat)

INTERVIEWER: Okay.

INTERVIEWEE: Okay?

INTERVIEWER: I think this was a step back for you in a couple areas, but I’m pleased to see the confidence on full display.

INTERVIEWEE: I know, I shouldn’t have—

INTERVIEWER: —walked out of the interview? Insulted the interviewer?

INTERVIEWEE: I was responding in kind.

INTERVIEWER: Well don’t! Remember, the whole point of this exercise is to get you hired! You cannot afford the luxury of a bruised ego; you can barely afford groceries. Let it roll off. Sometimes we do have to work for verbally abusive pricks.

INTERVIEWEE: Yeah.

INTERVIEWER: We’ll see you next week? Five applications out into the void between now and then?

INTERVIEWEE: (getting up to leave) Yeah.

INTERVIEWER: Hey. What you said at the end there, about quality mattering. You’re not wrong.

INTERVIEWEE: Thanks.

INTERVIEWER: But you have to get over that. Smile, nod, mirror their behavior. Do you want a job, or do you want to be right?

INTERVIEWEE: I want a job.

INTERVIEWER: Good. That I can help you with.

INTERVIEWEE: But is it really so much to ask for both?

INTERVIEWER: It’ll get better, kiddo.

(INTERVIEWEE forces a smile and leaves)

It has to.

(beat; then)

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