Week One: "We were sitting too close together."

SETTING – A bedroom on a military base.

CHARACTERS – HER, career military. Officious-minded but with a secret rebellious streak. HIM, slightly younger, enlisted military. Rebellious-minded but with a secret earnest streak.

At rise, HIM and HER lie together in bed, sated. She’s pondering something. After several beats, abruptly:

HER

We were sitting too close together.

HIM

What…?

HER

Today. At the meeting?

HIM

We were sitting together. What about it was too close?

HER

It looked suspicious. Maybe you didn’t notice, but the room went your boss, chair, my boss, chair, me, you, chair.

HIM

So sitting next to each other is too close.

HER

Yes. And you kept touching me.

HIM

Well, yeah. You were right there. I like touching you.

HER

Not at work you don’t.

HIM

This may come as some surprise, but—

HER

Just… Do not touch me at work. You know what I mean. Do not sit right next to me. Do not make private jokes in large groups.

HIM

Fine then. Don’t look so sexy. And stop giving me mischievous looks.

HER

What mischievous looks?

HIM

You’re doing it right now!

HER

That’s just my face!

HIM

See above re: sexy.

HER

You honestly don’t think it’s a problem that we sat together during a meeting with our direct supervisors?

HIM

No. I really don’t. We are in a relationship, are we not?

HER

A secret relationship. You’re having trouble with my words today.

HIM

It only looks suspicious to us because we know that we get naked after hours. They don’t.

HER

After today they probably do.

HIM

How?

HER

I don’t know. It’s probably all over our faces.

HIM

Kinky.

HER

(hitting him with a pillow)

Don’t be disgusting!

HIM

It’s not like we’d lose our jobs.

HER

I am an officer on this base.

HIM

So it’s not like I’d lose my job…

HER

They call this fraternizing, you know.

HIM

Do they. Are you feeling… “fraternal” right now?

HER

You’re like a teenager.

HIM

Yes, and I’m hot for teacher.

HER

I’m serious. I could lose my position here.

HIM

I have a few more for you if—

HER

Would you listen to me!

HIM

I am. Look. I really don’t think they noticed or would care. And if they did… screw it. It’s just a job. Right?

HER

No, it’s not. This is my career.

HIM

But… this is us.

HER

You’re not seriously asking me to choose.

HIM

Of course I’m not. It would be ridiculous and completely unfair.

(beat)

But what if I were?

HER

I went to college for four years and then through twelve weeks of OCS to do what I do here. I’ve known you for nine months. Come on.

HIM

If you’d fallen in bed with me the day we met, we could be parents as of today.

HER

You are ridiculous.

HIM

Don’t your responsibilities as a mother mean anything to you?

HER

Oh, god. Please don’t even joke about this. There is no way. Not with—… Not now.

HIM

Not with me…?

HER

That’s not what I said.

HIM

No, I get it. It’s cool. Only the semen of a college man does it for you.

HER

Oh my god! What is wrong with you!

HIM

I just want to know if my little guys could get in with an Associate’s, or if it has to be a Bachelor’s degree at least.

HER

Is this a discussion we’re actually having?

HIM

Master’s?

HER

Come on.

HIM

Doctorate? I mean, I can do it, but it’s gonna take some time.

HER

I don’t plan to have kids.

HIM

Now you tell me. You’re due any day, you know.

HER

I’m serious.

HIM

Never?

HER

It’s not like there’s a population problem. No one but my parents will grieve the passing of my final egg.

HIM

Ew.

HER

So “semen” is okay, but “egg” is too far?

HIM

Egg is okay if I say it.

HER

Right.

HIM

So you don’t think you’d change your mind if you met the right guy?

HER

Hasn’t happened yet.

HIM

Changed your mind or—?

HER

Either.

HIM

(beat)

There really is only so much abuse a guy can take. I’m extremely sensitive, you know.

HER

I knew there was something different about you…

HIM

Heteroperceptive, they call it.

HER

I’m so glad there’s a name for it. That must be a relief.

(she begins putting her clothes back on)

HIM

I can’t even tell you. You’re going?

HER

Top secret high-ranking officer stuff. You wouldn’t understand.

HIM

Too true.

HER

Are you actually mad or just kidding? I can never tell.

HIM

I’m not mad. I’m just in love with you and tired of pretending that I’m not.

HER

(unsettled)

Well hey now.

HIM

Sorry. Was that too earnest?

HER

There’s a bit of heart on your sleeve, yeah.

HIM

Geez, yeah. I wonder how that got on there.

HER

You’re in love with me?

HIM

Only a little. Do you…

HER

…I have very much enjoyed our time together.

HIM

I can definitely see why. It has been very enjoyable. But you don’t…

HER

I do have feelings for you.

HIM

Positive feelings?

HER

I would characterize them as positive, yes. But I’m not ready to drop the L bomb.

HIM

“The L bomb.”

HER

Are you okay?

HIM

Ma’am, yes ma’am.

HER

We can talk about this later, okay? I’m going to be late.

HIM

Absolutely. It’s just—…

HER

What?

HIM

Nothing. I think you’re right, by the way.

HER

Good. About what?

HIM

We were sitting too close together.